Miscellany

Jokes

Here are some excerpts from my upcoming book, 1,001 Classic Ultima Jokes:

• Why did the Avatar cross the road? To get to the other shrine!
• How many Avatars does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: one to fetch the bulb from the bottom of a dungeon, one to cast "Light," and one to report the feat to Lord British.
• An Avatar walks into a bar and orders a vodka, plain. The bartender serves him. The Avatar chugs it and orders another vodka, then another. The bartender wonders why an Avatar would behave so irresponsibly, but keeps serving him. Soon, the Avatar is too plastered to even stay on the stool. His buddy, Shamino, tells the bartender, "He's trying to raise all his virtues." "How can he do that if he's drunk?" asks the bartender. Shamino explains: "He shows honor by paying his tab, compassion by tipping you well, honesty because being drunk gets him to admit anything, justice by bringing me along as his designated driver, sacrifice by giving up his brain cells, valor by drinking vodka straight, humility by leaving here on his hands and knees, and spirituality when he begs God tomorrow morning to kill him!"

David Letterman's Top Ten List

When news got around that a shepherd was attempting to attain Avatarhood, the jokes flew on late-night television.  David Letterman made many requests to interview the Avatar on his show.  The Avatar declined, saying that he was too busy with his quest.  But perhaps the real reason that the Avatar would not appear on the show is because Mr. Letterman presented the following Top Ten List.

Deleted Musical Number

At one point in the original edit of the story, while the party is wandering through another atrocious dungeon, the evil skull of Mondain tells a frustrated Sausalito that perhaps he is in the wrong game. He does this through music. We had to take this scene out of the original release because Mondain, that greedy hardhead, wanted more money.  His contract never, however, said anything about keeping it out of this blog.

And so we present Mondain's solo, sung to the tune of "Under the Sea" from the movie The Little Mermaid. Hit it, Tubbs!

"The sequels are always neater
In somebody else's game
Each time you when play another
You find that they all the same
But Garriott hit the paydirt
Just on his third time around
You get reward for your effort
Who care if it don't got sound?

"Ultima III, Ultima III
Things gonna hurt you
What use is virtue
To you and me?
Here for the stones you got to dash
Wouldn't you rather hack and slash
Down in the dungeon
Fighting is fun in
Ultima III

"Akalabeth was the first game
To offer you things to kill
Then Ultima added Mondain
So evil he haunt you still
His girly-friend try to get you
In Ultima number two
When Exodus come and fetch you
Guess who will be ate by grue?

"Uh oh! Ultima III, Ultima III
Get no demerit
Tossing a ferret
Into the sea
'Avatar' means a silly chump
Lord British castle is a dump
Don't got to go there
Who need his welfare?
Ultima III, Ultima III
Forget the Moongate
Ride in a frigate
Nautically
Even the spider and the rat
Give you the urge to watch your back
You got to try it
Go out and buy it
Ultima III

"The ghoul make a drool
The troll charge a toll
The dread grab your head and they make it roll
The fly hit your eye
The shark leave a mark
The drake gonna bake your soul (yeah)
The dreck snap your neck
The orc give it torque
The mane take your brain
To eat with a fork
The snake full of slime
The Lord of the Time
And oh that balron throw!

"Ultima III, Ultima III
Skeleton mashin'
Don't take compassion
Or honesty
Shrines are for Blizzard-payin' fools
Ultima III give you the good tools
To chop a demon
Down like a tree in
Ultima III

"You no be missin'
Stygy Abyss in
Ultima III
Eight Nine and Online
Ain't no one's funtime
Tabula Rasa
Never surpass a
Gaming Jurassic, Garriott's classic
Ultima III"